The Fears

We all have physical and mental fears. Sometimes the mental fears can manifest themselves in a physical reaction. I had come to a point in our infertility journey that required me to face both of these in one appointment. I had done some research on this HSG test that I was scheduled for. There was a wide range of reactions on how painful or uncomfortable this test could be. However, I decided that I would try to push all of the negative and “scary” stories out of my mind, and face this like any other hurdle in my life. What did I have to be afraid of?!…..I’ll tell you exactly what I was afraid of. I feared that this test would be as painful as the women that compared it to labor pains had described it. I also feared that this test would give a result that showed that there was something WRONG with me…that it would prove that its my FAULT that we haven’t been able to have a child yet. I had to keep telling myself that we were in the year and a half point of trying to conceive, and that it was time to get some answers. Suck it up! Get this test done, and move forward with whatever information is gleaned from it.

Today is the day of my HSG test. Today, I will have a catheter inserted through my cervix to have a dye shot in to my uterus. This dye will fill my uterus and fallopian tubes to allow for radiographs to get a good picture of all my important lady bits. Today is the day that I face this physical and mental fear. I woke up with a positive mindset, and even mentioned to my best friend that I had a sense of calm come over me. I was READY for this! I went about my morning routine and got some work done. This day was a great reminder to try to be patient with other people on a daily basis. Have you ever heard that saying “be kind, you never know what someone is going through”? This day reminded me of that. I had a few small issues on the work front, and had let everyone that I worked with know that I would be unavailable from 11am until late in the afternoon. I had a couple people that weren’t very patient with this request, but I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was the least of my problems on this day.

It was TIME. We loaded up and headed to town for my HSG test appointment. We got half way there when I realized that I had been so distracted that I had forgotten to take the pain killer an hour before, like my Dr had suggested. Thank God my husband had ibuprofen in the car, so I took some and crossed my fingers. When we arrived at the Dr office, I checked in and the nurse looked at my chart. She confirmed that I was there for my hysta…..blah blah…I still can’t pronounce the name of this test, so I always call it an HSG. She gave me a sympathetic look and told me to take a seat….they would be ready for me in a couple of minutes. I had no nerves at this point. I felt calm. My husband and I made small talk while we waited. Then an adorable middle aged, short statured nurse with dark hair and an adorable smile appeared in the waiting room to call my name…Sarah. I stood up and walked to the door. She gave me a look….you know that look that someone gives you when you’re in terrible grief, or loss, or in some dark place in your life? It’s a combination of sympathy and sadness, sprinkled with a layer of goodwill and condolences.  She gave me THAT look. I still to this day don’t know why, but I immediately felt a lump in my throat and a tear come from my eye. I didn’t see THAT coming. The nurse told me that her name was Colleen, and that she would be the nurse assisting in my HSG. She walked me down a long hallway lined with small dressing rooms. She gave me the look again. DAMN IT! But this time it was followed by the comment that this test can be very painful. She said that she wanted to give me that heads up in case no one else had yet. Yes, Colleen, I’ve been warned, thank you. She stopped at a dressing room and handed me a medical robe to put on. She explained to put it on and to wait in the dressing room. She said that she would come back to get me. I took the 2 minutes of undressing to let a few more tears out and to say a little prayer.

“Lord, you’ve protected me through so much so far in life. I am giving this test and my FEARS up to you. I am trusting that this is part of my process, and that everything will be fine. AMEN”

I felt a huge relief and got my determination back that this would all be fine!….now where the heck is Colleen? I need to get out of this tiny gray dressing room to get this over with! I was now standing with the dressing room door open, clothed in only a hospital gown, with my clothes all shoved in my purse. It was at this moment that I knew I could not be the only woman who had this rollercoaster of emotions during this test day. It was at this moment that I KNEW that I had to share this story with the world. As I was chuckling to myself because of how ridiculous I probably looked, my moment of levity was interrupted by Colleen. She still had THE LOOK on her face, but her voice was bubbly. She said “are you ready for this?”. I thought it would be rude to reply sarcastically, so I made an awkward joke instead. “As ready as I’ll ever be!”

Colleen walked me in to a huge room with a tall table that had a computer screen and what I assumed was the radiograph machine. This didn’t look scary. I’ll be fine. Colleen sat me in chair and went over my medical chart. We made small talk about infertility, and she shared some success stories to reassure me that this is just a piece of the puzzle. She showed me the instruments that would be used in the test. She held up the catheter and there was a tiny balloon at the end of it. She said that once the catheter was inserted the Dr would inflate that balloon. She said, “I know that it looks tiny, but it will cause quite a bit of pressure. Just try not to move because if you do the catheter can come out.  I actually felt much better after being given all of this information.

Colleen had me hop up on the table and she placed a couple of pillows under my back. She grabbed my hand and said, “ok sweetie, I’m going to see if the Dr is ready.” I felt completely at ease and made yet another dad joke of some sort….this is normal behavior for me. A short minute later a tiny little woman walked into the room. Colleen introduced her to me, but I must have blocked it out because I have no memory of what it was. Colleen helped the Dr with her protective vest and placed one on herself as well. We all made light and relaxed talk while the Dr set everything up. She had me scoot to the very end of the table where my feet had to brace the whole weight of my body….I never thought that I would wish for those dang stirrups that the lady Dr has! I wasn’t comfortable at all. I could tell that my feet and legs were going to get tired if I had to brace myself like this for very long. The Dr began her process. I will spare you the details but it took several uncomfortable minutes of the Dr trying to get the catheter in to my cervix. Colleen saw my legs struggling in the position that I was in, so she came to my side to help me by holding my leg. She began to ask me questions about how I grew up. We quickly realized that we had both grown up raising livestock, and we both love horses. This almost made me forget about that tiny woman prodding around my cervix….ALMOST. I did think to myself that if this was the “painful” part, that I would be totally fine. With my pain tolerance being relatively high, this pain was about a 3 out of 10…so not bad at all. “Okay, I have the catheter in place and I am ready to inflate the balloon”, the Dr announced. Perfect! We are in the home stretch! This wasn’t bad at all! Colleen remained by my side and she told me to take a deep breath and to let it out. I remembered her telling me that this part would just be the feeling of pressure and can feel similar to a menstrual cramp.

PAIN! A stabbing pain hit me along with a pressure that made me feel like something was going to rip. I thought to myself, is this going to stay like this? Is something wrong? I could feel myself losing control, and I shouted, “I think I am going to pass out”!

Being woken up abruptly is an annoying and almost scary feeling. I was being shook violently. Someone REALLY wanted me to wake up. I was trying to make myself open my eyes, but the shaking was distracting and I was trying to piece together where I was, and who was trying to wake me up. My eyes slowly started to cooperate, but they were greeted with a harsh bright light. They wanted to close again. Thankfully the shaking had stopped, so I was able to concentrate a little better. I heard a voice…it was Colleen! I was at my HSG appointment still! I must have passed out! The FEAR was now coming from Colleens voice. She was holding my face and ask “have you ever had seizures before?” I mumbled that I had once, but it was a long time ago. She told me that I had passed out and had a seizure. My body was hot and drenched in sweat. My eyes were able to focus a bit more now, and I noticed that there were some new faces in the room. Another doctor and a handful of nurses were all standing over me ready to take my vitals. Blood pressure, pulse, and blood sugar all seemed to be stable now. The new Dr asked me a few questions, and determined that I was fine. He had my Dr check the catheter and it was still in place, but my legs were all the way off of the table and I was now laying there with my legs dangling at the knee. The new Dr told my Dr that she could continue if I wanted to, or we would just have to reschedule the test. I told them to give me a minute to catch my breath, and that I wanted to proceed. There was no way I was going to be able to get myself to come back and do this AGAIN! The circus of nurses and the extra Dr filed out of the room while all giving me a smile and telling me that they hope I feel better. Colleen said that I had given her a scare and that she had NEVER had that happen before….I told her that I hadn’t either!

My Dr asked if I was sure that I wanted to continue. I told her that I was willing to try. Colleen said that if I felt like I was going to pass out again that I should say something. I told her that I HAD said something that last time! She informed me that not one word came out of my mouth. My shout must have been completely internal! Okay! Let’s all take a deep breath and try this again. I got resituated on the table and the Dr said that she would only inflate the balloon a little bit to see how I felt and then we could go from there. “1,2,3…Ok, how does that feel?”, the Dr asked. It felt totally fine. I could feel a slight pressure but hardly noticeable. “Ok, we will try that again. 1,2,3…how does that feel?” I was fine! “Ok, one last time. How is that?” I felt FINE! The Dr and Colleen both looked relieved! They had me carefully scoot back under the X Ray machine and they clicked the images that they needed. The Dr deflated the balloon and removed the catheter. I felt completely, but Colleen had me lay on the table for a extra minute before instructing me to turn on my side and to rise slowly. I DID feel a bit light headed. She lead me to the restroom that was attached to the exam room. I gave her a smile to assure her that I was fine! I told her that I felt ok and to not worry.  She gave me my clothes, and I shut the door. I dressed and sat on a chair for a minute to collect myself. I felt tears coming again, but I had to pull myself together. All I wanted to do was get out to my husband.

Colleen escorted me out to the waiting room to my husband. She looked directly at him, and said “you keep a close eye on her today”. He said ok, and grabbed my hand. We walked out to the truck and he mentioned that the test took a lot longer than he thought it would. I then realized that none of the Dr’s or nurses had informed him of what had happened! He had a concerned look on his face as I described what had just occurred. He went in to protection mode and told me that he was taking me to get food. I couldn’t help but chuckle at this, but he was just trying to make me feel better. I said that I didn’t know if I would be able to eat. He said, “you’re gonna eat something! It will make you feel better”. We both seemed to take a sigh of relief, knowing that this part was over. But now we both had the concern that this reaction to the HSG test, might be a bad sign for how I may handle any other procedures down the road.

We had to focus on the positive here, though. We were following our PLAN. We would know soon, how all of our test results were going to come out, and what our next steps would be. I had faced this FEAR….on to the next….