The Secret

Keeping the secret of trying to conceive was a fun game for us in the beginning. Month 1, Month 2, Month 3, Month 4…….Ok, the fun is wearing off a bit. In all the research that I had done, all signs pointed to the 12 month of trying to conceive as being the point of needing to go back in to see the Dr for further investigation. So far I had made it to about the 10^th month without speaking to another soul, other than my husband, about this “secret”.  I felt like I was going to lose it. I thought back to those friends that had been through this before, and I wondered at what point I may need to reach out and ask for some support. I’m one to talk to my Mother and Sister about EVERYTHING, but they have both had such an easy time of falling pregnant that I didn’t think they would understand. In fact, they both make pregnancy seem less cumbersome than my seasonal allergies. So, they will just have to forgive me for looking to other sources for some guidance on this one.

A simple text to a dear friend:

“So, can I tell you something that I haven’t told any other soul on the planet accept for my husband?” 😦 “

Of course she said YES! The conversation flowed on as I poured out all of my frustrations, worries, and concerns. With every text, I felt the weight lifting more and more off of my shoulders. You see, this friend has been through MUCH more than I had at this point, and still to this day. She never once compared her struggles to mine. She never made me feel like my measly 10 months with no Dr intervention or any medical issues were nothing compared to what she had endured. She LISTENED. She gave me some amazing advice, and she helped calm my nerves. I now had some NEXT STEPS such as some changes in diet and even acupuncture. I do very well with having a PLAN.

The biggest change?…..I no longer had a “secret”. This was no longer something that we were keeping to ourselves completely. I had ripped off the band aid, and it felt like freedom!

As time crept closer to the holidays, the friends and family that began to ask the innocent questions of “When are you two going to have a baby” or the comments of “you’re not getting any younger” or “you’re too much of a workaholic, you need to just slow down and start a family” began to flow our way. Initially, we combatted those questions and comments with the old “We are too busy right now” or “We just aren’t ready yet”. Little did I realize, those were the WORST reactions that we could have given. I can’t tell you how many times I sat cornered at a social event with someone “talking me into” being a mother. When in reality my whole universe was revolving around acupuncture, diets, workouts, teas, essential oils, and podcasts all geared toward fertility. I would just smile and nod and then we would walk out of the party and take a huge breath a relief that we got through another interrogation. Looking back on this point, I wish that I would have changed my canned response much sooner. I wish that I would have thought to say “ We are trying, it’s just taking longer than we thought”….the first time I used that line, it worked like nail strip in a high speed chase!  I had no idea how much a simple tweak in my response would effect the outcome of these conversations.

It was in December (month 12 of trying to conceive) that I finally spilled the beans to my sister. This came shortly after her announcement of her SURPRISE second child. She has a 9 year old son and hadn’t expected to have any more children. When she gave my mom and I the news, we were both completely shocked. We sat at our favorite sushi restaurant for lunch, and my sister hands us both an envelope. I thought maybe it was a Christmas card, or an engagement announcement. When I opened it and saw a sonogram picture, I was confused! Once the shock wore off, I became instantly excited for her and knew that God was putting this new baby in our family for a reason. I also knew that this would spurn an influx of the BABY questions coming my way, and that I had to start telling more people of our struggles. I waited a few weeks, and then decided the time was right to finally divulge to my sister that we had been trying for right about a year with no success. She responded with the thought that I must hate her for her not even planning hers. Now, I haven’t really understood the idea or the feeling of being mad that someone else is able to have a baby or has an unplanned pregnancy…yet. Our inability to conceive hasn’t been brought on because the universe has wasted a baby on someone else. I can see how some women, in the desperation of trying every procedure and pill may feel the pang of jealousy or the hurt of defeat when they hear that someone lucked out or just had an accidental conception. But I really think that these are subconscious, and fleeting feelings.

Now, one of my best friends AND my sister know…it’s for SURE not a secret anymore. I still had a pretty big hurdle to jump in sharing this with my mom. I don’t know why, but telling my mom would make it all seem too real. I talk to my mom about everything, and I felt like actually speaking the words out loud to her would put it out in to the universe that there really may be a problem. I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but my mom was one of the only people in my life that never broached the subject of children with me. She never asked if we wanted children, how many, or when we would want to have them. Ironically, I finally felt the right moment to tell my mom was while we were at yet another lunch date….you guessed it…at that very same sushi restaurant. We were talking about when my sister’s baby would be due and all of the things that would lead up to that exciting time. I blurted out without much finesse that we had been trying for a while. She responded with somewhat surprise, but no concern in her voice. I clarified that it had been a year since we had been trying…and nothing yet. At that point I did see some concern creep in to her eyes. CRAP! This is what I feared. It’s real now. Yep. It’s real that I should be concerned.

As the conversation went on, my mom does what she does best, she brought my thought process back to the realistic next steps and the fact that we should be going back in to the Dr to see if there is anything simple that we can do to help the process, and to eliminate any major concerns. She also made mention that my sister and I needed to stop sneaking up on her with huge news while she’s trying to enjoy her sushi! I can’t blame her there. No one wants to be startled while trying to partake in spicy edamame.

I had now broken the ice completely. My mother and sister knew, and I had begun to open up to my closest friends. I still don’t know what took me so long, other than I just kept hoping to be able to surprise everyone with the happy news of a pregnancy announcement. Looking back, I wish I would have opened up much sooner. There’s no shame in trying to conceive and it not happening in month 3. There’s no shame in needing some support. And there is certainly no shame in if your answer REALLY is that you aren’t ready yet. I know in my heart, that every single person that inquired about our plan for having children, did so with the best of intentions. I just wish that I wouldn’t have kept that SECRET for so long.

The call to the Dr was my very next step. Here come the appoiments……