My whole entire purpose of beginning this Blog was to be able to help just ONE person. So far, I have gotten so much out of writing about our journey, and I have heard so much feedback from people who now feel a little bit less alone in their infertility journey because they’ve read it. But I think the greatest feeling so far has been the messages of people who have been reading our story that DON’T know much about infertility at all! They haven’t really been exposed to anyone close to them that have gone through a journey like this. They wouldn’t know what to say…or more importantly what NOT to say to a friend or family member that came to them with the news that they are beginning IVF or that they are researching Fertility specialists. I am absolutely guilty of this myself! One of my dearest friends went through IVF years ago, and during that process I had no idea how to be a friend to her. To this day I regret not being a more supportive friend in those times, and that I didn’t know how to support her. What could I have done better? How could I have been there for her? What would have been the right things to say? What did I say that was not helpful?
The first thing that I could have done once the information was shared with me would have been to ASK! Once she said she was going to go through IVF, I wish the first thing that I would have asked would have been, “How can I support you?”. Or I could have just let her know that I was there for her any time, and I that I wouldn’t bug her throughout the process but that I’m THERE. Now, I do not want to scare people in to thinking that there is some big rule book out there on how to have a conversation with a friend or family member that is going through infertility and/or fertility treatments. I DO want to offer some suggestions of what can be a little more helpful as I see it from my perspective.
We are the first people in our families to have fertility issues, and most of our friends aren’t super familiar with infertility either. So we have all been navigating this in the dark together. As our journey has progressed, and we have shared more, we found that the comments of “when are you guys going to have babies” or “You guys would be great parents, you should have kids!” have definitely stopped. That has been a huge relief to us. But it has shifted the comments and questions to specifics on our journey and what we are doing now. We know that people ask because they genuinely care about us, and they want to show support. It’s always so nice to know that people care and that we have a support system, but it can also be tough to answer those questions that are actually really heavy for us. I don’t want to speak for every person who has done fertility treatments, so I am going to speak strictly from what we experienced and what I feel like has helped us along the way.
Remember way back to my first couple of blog posts when I mentioned that we would get cornered at friend or family gatherings, and get blasted with the assumptions that we weren’t starting a family now because we are “too busy” or because people thought they needed to talk us in to wanting to start a family? Those types of situations have shifted to suggestions on how we should “just reduce stress” or how we “just need to relax and it will happen” or my personal favorite “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”. I know that these all come from a place of people wanting to be helpful or from them not knowing what to say. But take a second to step back and think about how each of those comments could be received by a couple that has been trying everything for something that they so badly want. Some of those comments can be taken as blame or even as a way of saying that maybe it won’t happen for you, but that’s ok because it wasn’t meant to be. I am at a place in our journey and in my own peace of mind that we are doing everything that we can, and I let those comments roll off of my back. But I wasn’t there a few months ago. A few months ago, those types of comments would have broken me. They made me emotional. They made me blame myself, and question whether this was all my fault! I know that no one ever meant to make me feel like that, so I want to attempt to help from those comments being made to another couple that may be going through what we are.
I want to share some of the comments that HAVE been helpful or reassuring to me in this process. Because I write this Blog, there are obviously more people that know more intimate details of some of our struggles in the very beginning of our story. So, I have people come to me and say things like “we are praying for you guys!” or “you are so strong, don’t give up” “I know this sucks, but you are doing great”. I absolutely love it when people let me know that they have read the blog and if it’s helped their understanding of infertility in some way. Keeping the statements short and sweet, and without judgement or suggestion on how to do things differently are so so so greatly appreciated! I will also say that I have had people share their experiences with me, and then it opens the conversation to me asking for advice or vice versa. The most important thing to note there is that advice was ASKED for. You need to use your own judgement and sense of social ques, but I would absolutely avoid unsolicited advice.
On top of infertility and becoming pregnant being a growing topic of conversation in our world today, there are also the families that have gotten pregnant and experienced a loss. I don’t have experience with this, but I will say that it has got to be one of the most gut wrenching experiences that a human being can encounter. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That means that you ABSOLUTELY know someone who has experienced that loss and you likely don’t know about it…and possibly never will know about it. Making assumptions about a person or inquiring about why they don’t have children yet, can cause pain and added grief to a family that is already going through so much. With all of this being said….WHAT CAN YOU DO? The best thing that you can do is KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE! Don’t ask personal questions of acquaintances or friends that you aren’t close enough with that they would have come to you about their struggles in the first place. In our personal journey, everyone that we want to know about the details of our life are TOLD about it by US. It’s nothing personal to other friends and family that we haven’t specifically told. It is simply that we know what we need, and we ask for it. We have learned to share a little bit less in real time, but to let our loved ones know how we need support. Sometimes that is as simple as, pray for us and we will keep you posted. We are fortunate to have friends and family that honor that. So speaking to you like you are a person who doesn’t have experience with all of this, I would say don’t ask questions that the answers to are none of your business. You wouldn’t walk up to your friend and ask what his bank account balance is…so why would it be ok to ask if he is trying to have kids or not?
I am not saying all of this to make you all fear saying the wrong thing in every situation, I just thought that this may help to bring some awareness to this topic. Keep in mind that starting a family or growing a family is one of the most personal things that a couple will do in their life. It’s so amazing to have people care, and want to know what is going on, but remember that it will be shared with you when and if the time is right.
P.S. I apologize for this Blog post derailing my story, but I have had this written for months. I keep making edits, and trying to explain myself better, but I need to JUST SHARE IT! It’s been on my heart for a long time, and I truly hope that this helps someone.
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