Category: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Two Week Wait, and Wait, and Wait

PippSqueakChronicles

Anyone that has struggled with infertility even in the slightest, knows exactly what I mean when I mention the TWO WEEK WAIT. On blogs and online forums, the abbreviation is TWW. It is the gut wrenching amount of time between ovulation and when either a period would start or you’d get a positive pregnancy test. So, for many women, it is the two weeks of symptom spotting and driving yourself absolutely nuts Googling every little thing that you feel. Over the last 2 years I had suffered through several negative pregnancy tests and mornings of waking up to find that Mother Nature had given me the ultimate sign that this month was yet another failure. My hope had been that this month would be different. Our IUI was not an ideal scenario, but in all reality it had probably been our most likely shot of getting pregnant up to this point. The timing was perfect, the cleaned sperm had less of a journey to it’s destination, and my uterine lining was thick and ready for implantation. With all of that being said, this TWW was going to be different than all the rest. I was keeping a positive attitude that we could defy the odds and get pregnant despite Josh’s fever causing issues with his sperm.

I had plenty to keep me busy during this two week wait, as I had a work trip and a bachelorette party both crammed in to that amount of time. Going on a bachelorette party when you’re hoping that you’re pregnant is an interesting thing. Keep in mind that I had spent the last two years torturing myself in every two week wait. For those two weeks every month, I would lighten up on my workouts, I would stop/cut back on riding my horses, and of course I would back off or completely cut off alcohol. This doesn’t sound like a big deal but when you really add it up, I essentially spent 1 year worth of time putting everything on hold with the CHANCE that I would see a little pink line. Half of every single month for 2 years was spent basically acting like I was pregnant. Did this add to my stress and probably not help my situation?? I don’t know. But when you are in it, and it seems like the right thing to do, that’s what you do! As the Bachelorette party came nearer, I started to worry that I may not have as good of a time being the “sober Sally” at an event that was obviously going to center around drinking. I told myself that it would be ok to have two drinks a day…at the most (per my Dr), and that I would just play it by ear. Looking back, the most important thing that I did to prepare for an enjoyable trip was that I shared what I was going through with my friends that were also going to be on the trip ahead of time. This really helped me to avoid any awkward moments of people wondering why I’m not drinking or playing along with some of the games of the trip.

The time came for the Bachelorette weekend! I got up that morning and actually felt pretty good compared to some other mornings this week. I was hoping that the hormone meds were wearing off and that I was going to feel good on this trip. I even decided to get a quick workout in before I left. I hopped on my spin bike and I felt great!…for about 9 minutes. Then a hot flash hit me, followed by nausea…and I was off to the toilet to throw up. I brushed it off and decided to not let that ruin my day! This was going to be a good day…I was dead set on it.

I was going to pick up the Bride to be, and another friend and we were all going to meet at the Bride’s sister’s house to pack up and head for the airport. We were all so excited for a fun weekend, but also to prank the bride when she arrived to her sister’s house. Our friend group plays a game that is so fun and hilarious…but of course involves drinking. Essentially, you hide a Smirnoff Ice and when someone stumbles across it they have to get down on one knee and chug the whole thing..as a sort of “punishment”. It can actually be quite hilarious depending on how creative people get when hiding the “ICE”. We had all planned on “Icing” the Bride to Be…which quickly turned in to there being several “ICES” hidden that morning. Now typically, I would totally be a gamer and chug my ice to comply with the rules of the game. HOWEVER, with my two drink per day maximum rule that I had set for myself, I told my friends that I was going to have to be lame and sit that game out for now. Thank GOD because that saved me from having to chug 3 ices by like 9 am.  

We were on our way to the airport, and I was relieved at how much fun I was already having even though I wasn’t playing along with the games. Once we arrived at the airport, we did what an other self respecting bachelorette group would do and we quickly found a spot to grab mimosas! At this point it wasn’t even 11 am and I knew that I was going to have a long day of being the sober one. We all sat around the table and everyone ordered their drinks. Mimosa, Mimosa, Mimosa, coffee, coffee, just water please, coffee, and some more waters…..Hmm, well I apparently wasn’t the only one that wasn’t drinking. I think I will do just fine. My biggest fear had been, sticking out like a sore thumb or coming off like a wet blanket. But in reality everyone was having a good time whether they were drinking or not. This theme followed through the whole weekend. I had a good time with friends even though I had a huge thought on my mind. Had the IUI worked? Should I avoid going in the hot tub? What was that twinge in my stomach? If I got pregnant now, what would my due date be? If I’m not pregnant, what are we going to do next?

Yes, I had all of those thoughts were swirling through my head as I was on a girls trip, shopping, brunching, dancing at a club, or laying by the pool. The bars and clubs were an interesting part of this because people are constantly wanting to buy drinks for bachelorette parties. An old trick that I use is to get a club soda with lime so it looks like a cocktail, OR I get one beer and make sure to hold on to the bottle all night so it looks like I already have a drink in hand in case someone offers. It kind of became a funny inside joke between me and some of the girls. One bartender gave me a hard time for continuously ordering water, and one of the girls shouted over the music “SHE’s TRYING TO GET PREGNANT!”…He got a funny look on his face and said, “WHAT?! SHE’S PREGNANT?!” She said, “NO! SHE’S TYRING TO!” He laughed and said “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT HELPS IF YOU GET WASTED FIRST?!”…..I said, “WELL THAT WOULD BE SUPER AWKWARD BECAUSE MY HUSBAND ISN’T HERE!”…He laughed and said, “TOUCHE”…and he poured me all the club soda I wanted for the rest of the night.

The trip was really fun, but I was excited to get home to finish up my TWO WEEK WAIT. I was staying optimistic that despite the bumps in the road up to this point, that this could be an epic story to tell our child some day! That’s the strange part about this journey. We are able to find the most strange silver lining in any situation in an attempt to just keep our sanity. We hadn’t asked to be on this path, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but damn it has taught me mental strength. As the time drew nearer to the day that we would find out, I had friends and family reach out to check in to see how I was feeling, and for the most part I felt great…just waiting.

That morning I woke up to those familiar cramps and I went in to the bathroom to find my answer….it didn’t work. Again. We failed again. I sat on the bathroom floor, and I cried. I cried because I was mad at this process. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself for worrying to much. I was mad at our Dr for not listening. I was mad, and sad, and heartbroken, and lost. My sobs were interrupted by the sound of a text message alert from my phone in the other room. I suddenly realized that I was going to have to cry this out and then get up off of this floor and move forward. I was going to have to reach out to all of my beautifully supportive friends and family that had been checking on me, to let them know that I failed…but I’m ok, and it will all be ok, and we aren’t going to give up (said in my customer service voice)…because in reality all I wanted to do was give up. All I wanted was to NEVER step foot in a fertility center again, never have another hot flash, or waive of nausea from the meds, or watch my hair go down the drain in handfuls during every shower that I took…and most of all, I NEVER wanted to feel this enraged ever again.

I went through the motions, and I let everyone know what was going on and I answered everyone’s questions and concerns. Looking back, I think that I might have been a little better off to not tell so many people the exact timing so that I could avoid getting an excited text of asking how it was going in the middle of my breakdown on the bathroom floor. But once I gathered myself and Josh and I talked about it, we decided that we weren’t going to let this stop us. We were going to sit down and decide what would be our next step. No matter what the next step is, there’s no way to avoid that TWO WEEK WAIT, unless we just completely gave up…and that wasn’t one of the options in our mind.

Uncategorized

How Can You Help?

PippSqueakChronicles

My whole entire purpose of beginning this Blog was to be able to help just ONE person. So far, I have gotten so much out of writing about our journey, and I have heard so much feedback from people who now feel a little bit less alone in their infertility journey because they’ve read it. But I think the greatest feeling so far has been the messages of people who have been reading our story that DON’T know much about infertility at all! They haven’t really been exposed to anyone close to them that have gone through a journey like this. They wouldn’t know what to say…or more importantly what NOT to say to a friend or family member that came to them with the news that they are beginning IVF or that they are researching Fertility specialists. I am absolutely guilty of this myself! One of my dearest friends went through IVF years ago, and during that process I had no idea how to be a friend to her. To this day I regret not being a more supportive friend in those times, and that I didn’t know how to support her. What could I have done better? How could I have been there for her? What would have been the right things to say? What did I say that was not helpful?

The first thing that I could have done once the information was shared with me would have been to ASK! Once she said she was going to go through IVF, I wish the first thing that I would have asked would have been, “How can I support you?”. Or I could have just let her know that I was there for her any time, and I that I wouldn’t bug her throughout the process but that I’m THERE. Now, I do not want to scare people in to thinking that there is some big rule book out there on how to have a conversation with a friend or family member that is going through infertility and/or fertility treatments. I DO want to offer some suggestions of what can be a little more helpful as I see it from my perspective.

We are the first people in our families to have fertility issues, and most of our friends aren’t super familiar with infertility either. So we have all been navigating this in the dark together. As our journey has progressed, and we have shared more, we found that the comments of “when are you guys going to have babies” or “You guys would be great parents, you should have kids!” have definitely stopped. That has been a huge relief to us. But it has shifted the comments and questions to specifics on our journey and what we are doing now. We know that people ask because they genuinely care about us, and they want to show support. It’s always so nice to know that people care and that we have a support system, but it can also be tough to answer those questions that are actually really heavy for us. I don’t want to speak for every person who has done fertility treatments, so I am going to speak strictly from what we experienced and what I feel like has helped us along the way.

Remember way back to my first couple of blog posts when I mentioned that we would get cornered at friend or family gatherings, and get blasted with the assumptions that we weren’t starting a family now because we are “too busy” or because people thought they needed to talk us in to wanting to start a family? Those types of situations have shifted to suggestions on how we should “just reduce stress” or how we “just need to relax and it will happen” or my personal favorite “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”.  I know that these all come from a place of people wanting to be helpful or from them not knowing what to say. But take a second to step back and think about how each of those comments could be received by a couple that has been trying everything for something that they so badly want. Some of those comments can be taken as blame or even as a way of saying that maybe it won’t happen for you, but that’s ok because it wasn’t meant to be. I am at a place in our journey and in my own peace of mind that we are doing everything that we can, and I let those comments roll off of my back. But I wasn’t there a few months ago. A few months ago, those types of comments would have broken me. They made me emotional. They made me blame myself, and question whether this was all my fault! I know that no one ever meant to make me feel like that, so I want to attempt to help from those comments being made to another couple that may be going through what we are.

I want to share some of the comments that HAVE been helpful or reassuring to me in this process. Because I write this Blog, there are obviously more people that know more intimate details of some of our struggles in the very beginning of our story. So, I have people come to me and say things like “we are praying for you guys!” or “you are so strong, don’t give up” “I know this sucks, but you are doing great”. I absolutely love it when people let me know that they have read the blog and if it’s helped their understanding of infertility in some way. Keeping the statements short and sweet, and without judgement or suggestion on how to do things differently are so so so greatly appreciated! I will also say that I have had people share their experiences with me, and then it opens the conversation to me asking for advice or vice versa. The most important thing to note there is that advice was ASKED for. You need to use your own judgement and sense of social ques, but I would absolutely avoid unsolicited advice.

On top of infertility and becoming pregnant being a growing topic of conversation in our world today, there are also the families that have gotten pregnant and experienced a loss. I don’t have experience with this, but I will say that it has got to be one of the most gut wrenching experiences that a human being can encounter. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That means that you ABSOLUTELY know someone who has experienced that loss and you likely don’t know about it…and possibly never will know about it. Making assumptions about a person or inquiring about why they don’t have children yet, can cause pain and added grief to a family that is already going through so much.  With all of this being said….WHAT CAN YOU DO? The best thing that you can do is KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE! Don’t ask personal questions of acquaintances or friends that you aren’t close enough with that they would have come to you about their struggles in the first place. In our personal journey, everyone that we want to know about the details of our life are TOLD about it by US. It’s nothing personal to other friends and family that we haven’t specifically told. It is simply that we know what we need, and we ask for it. We have learned to share a little bit less in real time, but to let our loved ones know how we need support. Sometimes that is as simple as, pray for us and we will keep you posted. We are fortunate to have friends and family that honor that. So speaking to you like you are a person who doesn’t have experience with all of this, I would say don’t ask questions that the answers to are none of your business. You wouldn’t walk up to your friend and ask what his bank account balance is…so why would it be ok to ask if he is trying to have kids or not?

I am not saying all of this to make you all fear saying the wrong thing in every situation, I just thought that this may help to bring some awareness to this topic. Keep in mind that starting a family or growing a family is one of the most personal things that a couple will do in their life. It’s so amazing to have people care, and want to know what is going on, but remember that it will be shared with you when and if the time is right.

P.S. I apologize for this Blog post derailing my story, but I have had this written for months. I keep making edits, and trying to explain myself better, but I need to JUST SHARE IT! It’s been on my heart for a long time, and I truly hope that this helps someone.

Fertility, Uncategorized

Proceed with Caution

PippSqueakChronicles

With a tear stained face, puffy eyes, and still a trace of anger, I was led back out to the waiting room. My husband, Josh was going to give another sample and we were going to do this IUI today. I couldn’t help but remember the times that I had re-entered the waiting room with my TRIGGER shot in my little ice chest. Remember how upset I was? Remember how frustrated I was? …well, that was now merely a laughable moment to me. Had I known how much more frustrated I would get, I would have laughed at myself right then! I had to snap myself out of this, and get my mind right. I shifted my focus to the fact that we were ACTUALLY going to complete the IUI today. It wasn’t going to be under the conditions that I had envisioned, but our odds would actually be better than they ever had been before! We knew for SURE that I was ovulating, I had a nice big follicle ready, and that my uterine lining was thick and healthy. Cleaned sperm was going to be injected directly where it needed to go, and that would eliminate a lot of the environmental hurdles from one of them getting to my egg! This wasn’t all bad….hell this was probably our best chance yet. OK! I have my game face back on and I am BACK! 

When Josh walked back out in to the waiting room he approached me cautiously…in fact, I noticed that everyone was avoiding eye contact with me, but was being overly courteous. I’m not a bomb waiting to blow! I am simply a woman that hit her breaking point…while she happened to be pumped up with synthetic hormones. I agree that’s not a good combo, but I wasn’t sorry about how I had acted. I DID feel sorry for the Dr that happened to be the one that I unloaded on, but someone was going to have to hear it. While Josh and I waited for the second sample to be cleaned and prepped, I decided to kill time by reading the BIO’s on each Dr in the fertility center. I got to the Dr that I had lost it on. She was a younger woman with very soft features, and a really kind smile. I read her schooling info, Medical accolades, and then I got to her emphasis and specialties….STRESS MANAGEMENT….I kid you not! This Dr’s specialty is stress management related to infertility. Talk about comedic relief!!! This poor woman is fully experienced in handling stress related to infertility, and she just got verbally laid out by a stressed, hormonal, maniac. I was now thinking how she was likely evaluating me during my entire tirade! 

The clock ticked by slowly, and finally a nurse came out to bring us back for our IUI. She was following suit with everyone in the office, and was very kind, quiet and sweet to me without making eye contact…I’m assuming that word had traveled quickly through the office….I might as well had a straight jacket on and a sign that said proceed with CAUTION. Once in the room she explained for me to undress from the waist down and cover my lap with the paper. Same drill different day. She left the room and I suddenly realized that we were really going to do this! Then I remembered my episode of passing out during my HSG test. I shuddered at the thought. I thought about how that Dr got the catheter in and as soon as she did, I felt massive pain and lost control! I passed out right there on that table and woke up to realize that I had had a seizure. I had to snap myself out of that thought! This was going to be a breeze! There would be no passing out today! 

The Dr walked in the room confidently, and said “OK, is everyone ready to make a baby?!” I said yes! Then the nurse walked in with the vile of sperm. She proudly announced, “Here is the cleaned sperm we have 2 MILLION! Please double check your names on the tag, and we can get started!”  Now remember that they typically only do the IUI when they have a minimum of 10 million. I am still in disbelief that a fever was able to do that much damage! But we were doing this today and hoping that it’s enough. I laid back and the Dr began with a quick ultrasound. The follicles looked like they had already begun the ovulation process so we would only be doing the IUI today. If all of the follicles still looked fully intact, we would have likely come back the next day for a second IUI. Once the ultrasound was done the Dr took out the catheter and I had to stop looking. I took some deep breaths and the Dr gave me the informative play by play as she began. I appreciated her talking through the procedure so I knew what to expect. It was no surprise that it took her a second to get the catheter through my cervix…this is the second time that I have hear that my cervix is “tricky”. As soon as the catheter was through my cervix, I felt that familiar feeling….ya know that one that I felt just before I felt that excruciating pain that made me pass out. It’s hard to describe, but it’s a very odd feeling of an almost warm dull cramp.  As soon as I felt it, I started to panic a little, but that panic was very quickly squashed with the Dr saying, “Ok, the catheter is in and we are going to introduce the sperm”. Oh wow! Ok, that was IT?! The next thing I knew I felt her pat my leg to let me know we were done! She let me know that I would need to lay there with my knees bent for about 10 minutes, and then I would be done! As she began to leave the room, I felt like I had to say something. She started to leave and she put her hand on my arm and said something to the effect of “you take care of yourself, and I wish you the best of luck”. I said, “I am so sorry for getting so upset. It’s just that on top of all of the things that we have gone through this week, we are over 2 years in to trying for a baby and I just lost it.” She smiled at me and said that there was no need to apologize. That we had been through a lot and she completely understood…..OK this lady knew exactly how to help a stressed out person. 

The minutes flew by and we were ready to leave the fertility center. We walked out of the room, and typically we are told to go out to the front desk. But I walked up to the nurses station and the nurse smiled and told me that we were all set and to have a great day…they didn’t charge us for anything that day. We weren’t really expecting for that to happen and regardless of how upset I was, we were fully planning on paying for the day. It did take a little bit of the sting away. Now we were sent home to wait….that’s all we could do was wait….the longest 2 weeks of my life…….

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Triggered

PippSqueakChronicles

I was headed down the road for a 4 hour drive toward Fresno. I had a meeting the next morning, and then I would head right back home. My husband would be flying home from his trip tomorrow night as well, and then we would be doing our IUI Saturday.  The drive, the dinner with my work associates, and the evening flew by. I had a hard time sleeping that evening…ol TRIGGER (my Trigger shot, aka HCG shot) was in an ice chest out in my truck in the parking lot. My meeting was in the morning and then I would be headed back home. I had to give myself TRIGGER right at NOON. This meant that I would likely be mid-way through my drive home when I’d need to give it to myself. It was important that I gave myself the shot at that time, to line up with the timeline of our IUI the next morning. 

My meeting went great, and I was so glad to have a successful morning. I was headed home…so now where the heck am I gonna do this shot?! I had read on the instructions that I needed to inject myself in a clean environment….how many public restrooms would you consider a “clean environment”?? I was about an hour in to my drive and the time was nearing that I needed to pull the trigger…literally… where the heck am I going to stop? As a person that travels a lot and especially on this stretch of road, you would think that this wouldn’t be that difficult. I kept driving, thinking that something would come to me. Nothing did. Suddenly my alarm went off….”Give Trigger Shot”…its NOON! Crap…ok…here we go! I’m just going to take the next exit, and pick a spot. It just so happened to be in Merced, CA. I took the exit and the first thing I saw was McDonalds. Ok, so apparently we are going to have a McTrigger and then get back on the road! 

I pulled up to the McDonalds and I parked on the street next to it. I took a deep breath and decided that I was just going to do this injection in my truck….it is by no means a “clean environment”, but it was MY environment. I looked around, and there didn’t seem to be much traffic on this street, so I decided to slip in to the back seat and just go for it. My hands were a bit shakey as I opened up the package and started to read the instructions. There was an alcohol wipe inside, to clean the area. I laughed to myself as I read the word alcohol…yeah I could use some right about now! I finished reading the instructions, and I looked over to the big ol Yeti ice chest that this little tiny trigger shot had been in. I decided to grab the ice pack and use it to numb the area where I would inject myself….on my stomach about an inch or two away from my belly button..per the instructions. I am a farm/ranch girl who has grown up giving shots to just about any living creature that you can imagine….accept for a HUMAN. There is a weird mental block about poking yourself with a needle. As I prepared the syringe and got all of the air bubbles out of the medicine, I remembered a friend telling me that she had to poke harder than she thought when she did hers. So, here we GO! I took a deep breath, one, two, three, POKE! PHEW! I did it! I had to actually tell myself to push the plunge to inject the medicine. I pulled the needle out, and wiped the injection site. I put everything away and looked up just in time to notice that a man was walking on the sidewalk right next to my truck. He was looking directly at me. I KNOW he just saw me give myself the shot! I could not get out of there fast enough! I put everything away and climbed back in the front seat. 

The first thing I did was text my husband to tell him that I just DID IT! I gave myself a shot…in the backseat of my truck…in front of a McDonalds…in Merced. I was so proud of myself and excited for the IUI tomorrow that I didn’t even realize how weird it was, what I had just done, until I typed it out in text. The drive home flew by and the next thing I knew, I was picking my husband up from the airport. We went home to get some rest before our BIG DAY! I didn’t sleep very well again, but it was out of excitement! Everything was finally lining up and we were going to have a REAL shot of getting pregnant this month!

On the way to the IUI appointment, I was nervous and excited, but my husband was calm as a cucumber as usual. Josh was driving, and I was in LALA land thinking about the procedure. I was a little bit nervous because of my reaction to the HSG test that I had passed out during back in August. The IUI procedure is similar in the way that they insert a catheter through the cervix in to the uterus. The last thing I wanted, was to pass out and have another seizure. But I quickly pushed those thoughts aside, and focused on how exciting this was!

We had plenty of time to get there, and there was no traffic because it was a Saturday. As we were cruising along, I happened to look up and saw a Highway Patrol car, headed in the opposite direction. I glanced over and saw that Josh was going 76 mph. No big deal, the speed limit is 65 through here and all of the traffic ahead of us was driving about the same speed.  I also knew that Josh saw him when I did, so he slowed down. This meant that the CHP would have clocked him at less than 76 mph. NOPE! Just as the Highway Patrolman went by us, he slammed on his breaks, hit the lights, and turned to come after us. We pulled over and Josh got out his driver’s license. The CHP Officer comes to the window. He was pleasant, but not overly friendly as he explained that he pulled us over for speeding. I thought, what a jerk for pulling us over for being less than 10 mph over the speed limit…he interrupted my thought by explaining that the small section of the highway that we happened to pass him on was only 55 mph…well crap.  Josh handed him his driver’s license and I opened my glove box to grab the registration and proof of insurance. Ok, here is the registration…and oh dear God, this is my OLD insurance information! Great! I asked the officer if he could give me a moment, that I knew I had our current insurance card in an email. At this point the tears are in my eyes, and I can feel the red hot rage/weeping/hormonal craziness starting to come over me. He said that was totally fine and allowed me a moment. I choked back any tears and searched for the email. THANK THE SWEET LORD ABOVE, I found the email with our updated information and he gladly accepted that. My hormonal emotional explosion was squelched, and we were back on the road with our speeding ticket. I joked that I should have put on the water works and told him where we were headed, and that might of gotten us out of the ticket, but I just wasn’t quick enough on my feet to do that! 

We arrived at the Dr’s office and checked in. Josh was called back first, to give his sample. Once that was done, we would have a two hour wait for the lab to clean and inspect the sperm in preparation for the IUI. In the two hour wait, Josh and I were going to make a 30 minute drive to a granite outlet to do some shopping for the kitchen remodel that we were doing. I thought this would be a great distraction for our wait. We headed to the granite place, and I can’t even describe how much pressure and bloating I was feeling. My body was used to only having one, maybe two mature follicles and now there were 3! I was ready to get this done and go home to rest. 

Right as we pulled in to the granite place, Josh’s phone rang. He answered, and I could tell that it was the Fertility Center! He is basically a human robot, so I couldn’t tell if he was getting good or bad news. A few thoughts went through my head…1) maybe this is good and they’re done early and we can go back now to do the IUI 2) maybe this is bad…but I couldn’t think of why or how??? As the phone conversation went on, and the questions that Josh was asking, I could tell that this was NOT good news. He asked me to look up his semen analysis from August. I looked it up on my phone and handed it to him. At this point, I kind of blacked out a bit in my mind. I don’t remember what else was said, I was just feeling so defeated. 

Josh got off of the phone and told me that they were working on his sample and were really thrown off by how different it was from the sample that he had done in August…we were only in January…how could anything major have changed? THEN….the lightbulb in my head went off and I about LOST it….(Please excuse the “French” that I’m about to use…but I want to be real)……”It was that fucking fever!!!! Remember!! You had a fever for 7 days straight last month and NO ONE listened to me when I was worried about it effecting your sperm!” Josh had a look of horror on his face. I think he was hoping that this had been a mistake or that the original report was wrong somehow. Nope! This was simply a matter of his normal sperm count is nearly 40 million, and today is was 3 million……the fever must have devastated his count. We now had two options. We could cancel this procedure today, or he could give another sample in hopes that the combination of both samples would yield the 10 million that was the minimum requirement for the IUI. We both decided that after 3 extra ultrasounds and 9 hrs of round trip drives to the fertility center, an emergency flight home, a McTrigger shot, and a speeding ticket, that there was no possible way that we were going to just give up now! We decided to look at the granite quickly and then head back to the office. Oddly enough, I had a sense of calm as I chose the granite for our kitchen that day. I can only imagine that it was similar to how people describe major accidents seeming to be in slow motion. I was in slow motion. 

We arrived back at the Fertility center and checked in again. Instead of a nurse coming out to greet us and take us back to an exam room, it was one of the doctors. Yet another doctor. This was the fourth Dr that I have met so far. She was a younger woman with a very kind face…that just so happened to have that apologetic look written all over it. She didn’t take us in to an exam room though. Instead, she took us in to this tiny little room with nothing in it but a minimal desk and 3 chairs. She, Josh, and I barely fit in this tiny space. We sat down, and she immediately began to apologize. She explained that the sperm count had been only 3 million, but once washed and checked it would likely only be 1 or 2 million. She said that even with another sample, they would not have the minimum 10 million that they needed to complete the IUI procedure today. 

You guys, I lost it. Visibly, verbally, outwardly, 100% lost it. I yelled at this poor woman that I was meeting for the first time in my entire life. I yelled at her for something that wasn’t her fault…but I was going to be DAMNED if I was going to leave that office without being HEARD today. I told her everything that we had been through. I told her that I KNEW why his sperm count was what it was today. I told her that I was so frustrated because I told the nurses and doctor that I was concerned about that fever. I told her that “I AM NOT A DOCTOR and within a 15 second Google search, I learned that a fever for more that 24 hours can devastate sperm reserve for up to 75 days. I AM NOT A DOCTOR AND I FIGURED THAT OUT! Tell me, why no one listened to me! This will be our second canceled cycle! We spent so much extra money on this cycle to MAKE SURE THAT IT HAPPENED! I gave myself my trigger shot in the back seat of my truck in front of a McDonalds in Merced yesterday, Josh flew in last night from Colorado, and we even got a speeding ticket on the way here today. I am NOT leaving without doing this IUI today”.

As you can imagine, she was stunned. I can only imagine what she was looking at. A woman in tears and desperation sitting right in front of her on the verge of a mental breakdown….fueled by synthetic hormones, just to top it all off. She looked at Josh and then looked at me, and said, “Wow, you guys have been through a lot this week. Why don’t we get another sample to give us the best shot, and then go ahead and do the IUI. The odds of this working are slim because we usually want double the amount of sperm in order to complete the procedure, but this isn’t going to be any less than the odds of timed intercourse working for you today.”  She even offered to wave the fee for the IUI itself because of everything that had happened. She stood up and shook my hand and looked at me right in the eyes, and said this is going to be good! Let’s do this!

What a huge relief! We were going to actually be able to complete this mission….the odds of it working were slim to none, but you miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take RIGHT?! 

Uncategorized

Third Time’s a Charm

PippSqueakChronicles

How can I possibly be this lucky?! I am ovulating exactly when I am supposed to! When I saw that Blinky Smiley face on the ovulation test that morning, I about fell over!! My husband was leaving for a trip the following week, and I was going to go out of town for work meetings. I had been agonizing over what I would do if I had to cancel those meetings or if my husband would have to cancel/interrupt his trip just because of the timing of our IUI cycle. I had yet to tell anyone that I worked with that we were going through this, and in hindsight that caused a lot of stress on me. I was trying so desperately to not let this journey effect my work or who I was in my career. HUGE mistake. 

 I called the fertility center to let them know that I had gotten the positive ovulation test and that I was on CD 11…which means that I didn’t ovulate early again, so this should be perfect timing for us to ACTUALLY get to do the IUI! The nurse called me back and said to come on in to the office as soon as we could. My husband wasn’t able to go with me this time, but that was ok. The most we would be able to do is get the TRIGGER shot done and then return the following day for the IUI procedure. 

I loaded up that trusty TRIGGER shot in my little lunchbox, and we headed down to the Dr’s office…again. I arrived at the Dr’s office and paid my $340 fee for the ultrasound that I was about to have. You would think that spending that kind of money would cause some sort of panic for a person who is…how do you say…..CHEAP, like me. But this was so exciting that I swiped my card like I was buying an awesome pair of shoes that I found 50% off at the Rack! As I sat waiting, I watched a woman walk back up to the front desk with her little ice chest. Her face was red, and she looked flustered. She told the receptionist that she needed to make an appointment for the following day. I felt bad for her, and remembered the feeling that I had had the month before when I made the long journey home with Mr Trigger shot riding shotgun in my little ice chest. It didn’t occur to me to wonder why she had come back from the exam rooms and that she needed to come back the very next day….

My thought was interrupted by a nursing calling me back.  We said the typical pleasantries, and she directed me in to an exam room. I was met by a Dr that I had not seen before. These fertility centers deal with such time sensitive procedures that they are usually open 7 days a week, so it is very common to deal with a few different Dr’s along the journey. This Dr was a younger man, and seemed confident and mild mannered. I honestly didn’t really care as long as we found that my uterine lining looked good and that my follicles were ready!

He began the ultrasound with checking the uterine lining….I don’t remember the exact number, but it wasn’t the 7 that we were looking for. I believe it was somewhere around a 5. He noted the measurement and moved on to my follicles. I told him that I felt them more on my left side this time which was new to me. He seemed impressed that I could tell which side I would ovulate from, and as he scanned around he found 3 larger follicles on my left side. They didn’t seem very large, and my heart sank as he measured them out….one was 11 mm and the other was 10 mm, and then there was a tiny 8 mm one. These need to be at LEAST a 17 mm before they will TRIGGER. I felt the familiar lump in my throat as I sat up to hear his explanation. He enthusiastically said, “Everything looks GREAT! We are going to have you wait two more days and then come back in to recheck the follicle growth”……UM, excuse me what?? I felt tears welling up…was this hormones, stress, or disappointment?….I don’t know, but I hate crying in front of people so I choked it back. I said, “ Ok, then so I will come back on Monday to get rechecked. Then we will Trigger and be able to do the IUI on Tuesday…and a possible second IUI Wed?” He said “YES! Exactly!” I was relieved that he sounded so confident that this would be the case, and that I wouldn’t spontaneously ovulate on my own in the meantime. 

I walked passed the nurses station and said an incredibly fake “have a great day”, and as I walked out through the waiting room and to the front desk I was suddenly the red faced, flustered woman with the ice chest that had come from the back that needed to make an appointment to come back in a few days. I saw a woman in the waiting room looking very happy, with her little ice chest….I secretly wanted to warn her that her day might possibly just be ruined here in 15 minutes. I NEVER thought that this process would be like this. I was blissfully unaware of how common it is to have to work so hard to even just be able to do an IUI. Every YouTube video that I’ve watched, and Instagram account that I had followed, had been able to do one cycle and TRIGGER and then complete an IUI cycle without any of the additional ultrasounds, time, and money that we were facing. 

I couldn’t get to my truck fast enough. The tears were flowing down my face before I could even get the door shut. I immediately called my husband and told him the “devastating” news. He is so calm and stoic in these types of situations. He assured me that this was all still fine. We would wait the two days, go back and be able to complete the IUI and I would still be able to make my meetings out of town later that week. I was on my THIRD journey home with my little friend the TRIGGER shot in tow. 

For the next 2 days, I bombarded my mom, sister, and my best friend with all of my worries of having to cancel the meetings that I had planned. There were people that were flying from half way across the country for these meetings and I did not want to disappoint anyone. No one that I work with, would have wanted me to be as worried about these meetings as I was. This was stress that I was putting on myself. My loved ones told me to stop with the worry about this. That if I needed to cancel something in order to pursue this, that no one would fault me for it. But as a woman in a male dominated industry….a male dominated world…It’s hard to admit to myself that I don’t have control over this, and that I may have to make this a priority. I have never been one to blame hormones for a state of mind, and I have even been guilty of thinking less of women who use that as an “excuse/explanation” for behavior. But this whole process of being on synthetic hormones gave me a big dose of reality on how REAL of a thing that actually is. I was pretty irrational at this point, so no amount of logic was going to calm me. 

FINALLY the two day wait was OVER! I was headed back down to the Fertility center, and you’ll never guess who was coming with me….YUP! Ol TRIGGER and my little ice chest were in the passenger seat for the third time this week. I even remember telling it as I loaded it in with the cold pack “Third times a charm little buddy”….I had a very early appointment and hadn’t had my coffee yet, and had to find some levity in the situation for my own sanity. My husband had already left for his trip, which meant he would be driving for a few days and ultimately be ending up in Colorado. We decided to wait out the results of these ultrasounds to make a decision on where/how/what/when he would potentially fly home for this IUI. Part of both of us was prepared for another cancelled cycle, so he went ahead and left for the trip. 

Now at the Dr’s office, I found myself again paying that ultrasound fee and waiting to be called back. I was a little disappointed when a different Dr (so this is the third doctor I’ve seen so far in this journey), walked in to the exam room. I had never met this Dr before. He didn’t have much personality which was actually perfect. I wanted to just get this done and get the numbers! Same old drill…he checked my uterine lining….there was improvement there. Now on to those follicles. One was 13mm, one was 10 mm and one was 8 mm. DAMN! I sat up again, but this time I wasn’t able to completely hold in how I was feeling. I held back the majority of the water works, but a single tear trickled down. The Dr looked confused and said “No, this is totally fine! We will wait until Thursday, check you again! Everything looks great, just need a couple more days”. I swear if I hear that one more time, I am going to LOSE it! 

Again, I was the woman at the front desk with my little ice chest. I mean, this is getting comical at this point right?! I had taken this TRIGGER shot for more car rides than a lot of dogs get in their lives! My next appointment was set for first thing Thursday morning…which was the day that I was to head out of town for my meeting. I made another tearful call to my husband, mom, sister, and best friend, as I made my journey home with ol TRIGGER. My plan was to go to this Dr appointment at 7am Thursday, and that would decide the fate of the rest of my week. 

It’s amazing how agonizing a couple of days can be when there is so much riding on the outcome. It was now Thursday, the fateful day that I would get to find out what my body was up to now. At this point I could majorly FEEL those follicles. I felt so bloated and full that I was SURE that there was no way that I would be sent packing with ol TRIGGER again! I am back at the Dr’s office and I’m sitting in the exam room with the paper coverup over my lap. I bowed my head and said a prayer that everything would look good and that this emotional roller coaster would be done. I would be missing my meeting, but it would be worth it. The door cracked open and I heard a familiar voice…THANK GOD!! It was the same Dr that I saw for the first ultrasound of this cycle. He jokingly said, “Back again?!”. I said YEP and I’m hoping you have good news for me today! I would love to not have to take that TRIGGER shot home again. 

We went right to the ultrasound and my lining looked PERFECT!!! Now on to the follicles…DRUMROLL PLEASE….The Dr flipped the lights back on and told me to sit up so we could chat. Remember that I need to have one follicle to be at least 17 mm in order to TRIGGER. He said, “I have GOOD news, 1 follicle 18 mm, 1 at 14 mm and 1 at 9 mm. This means that we can TRIGGER today and IUI tomorrow. Then if we ultrasound tomorrow and the follicles are still full then we will repeat the IUI procedure the following day”. I said wow that’s great news…I have a lot of planning to do today. He looked at me very confused, and said, “What do you mean by that?” I said, “Well, my husband is currently in Colorado, and I have a meeting in Fresno tomorrow morning….obviously, I will just cancel the meeting, and I’m sure my husband can get home late tonight.” He said, “oh no! There’s no reason to do all of that! We can just wait to have you do the TRIGGER shot until tomorrow (Friday) afternoon, and then you guys can come in early Saturday for your IUI.” I about fell off the table! WHAT?! This is a possibility?! He said, “Yes! That is one of the nice things about the science of all of this. We can play around with things a little bit if we need to. You don’t show any signs of ovulating, so you will be fine to wait to TRIGGER tomorrow. In fact, your follicle will be even a little bit bigger.”  Now, I felt the lump in my throat and a tear in the making due to the relief that I felt! 

I bounced out of that office with ol TRIGGER in the ice chest like I never have before. I was so excited to call my husband to let him know that we needed to make arrangements to get him home for Saturday morning. I drove home with a huge smile on my face! This was all starting to go in our favor! I can’t believe it! We caught a break! The only down side was that now instead of having a nurse give me the TRIGGER shot, I was going to have to do it myself at NOON tomorrow…which meant I would be on the road on my way home from my meeting. I got home, packed up all of my stuff and got on the road to Fresno. My meeting was Friday morning, so I had plenty of time to get down to my hotel and get rested for the next day. Ol TRIGGER now got to go on a road trip… a road trip that I would never forget….