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Back In the Saddle

PippSqueakChronicles

Distraction can be a key in not completely losing your mind during stressful times. As I have mentioned before, Trying to Conceive (TTC) is a huge game of hurry up and wait…and then wait some more…oh just one more day…wait, what was that feeling…could that have been implantation…am I getting ready to start my period…is it normal that I’m so tired…can I have a glass of wine…do people notice that I’m acting different…better check my app to see what cycle day I’m in…who am I kidding, I know exactly what day I’m on…Well, that whole thought process took a whole 15 seconds, and now I still have the rest of my two week wait before we have a fresh new cycle to deal with. 

At this point in our journey, we were nearly two years in to trying to become parents. I had thought I had been doing a good job of taking care of myself physically and emotionally. I was working out regularly, eating as well as I could, and I had bought a new horse to focus on my old hobby of Barrel Racing again. I had a young horse that I was working on, but I had been so worried about not riding or doing anything “dangerous” during that two week wait from the time of ovulation to the time that I would find out if I was pregnant or not. In these two weeks EVERY month, I would stop riding my horse, I would lighten up on my workout intensity, I would stop drinking, and I would do a fun little game called symptom spotting. All of this was a perfect storm for me losing myself. I was obsessing over becoming pregnant. This was all causing so much stress, that it’s no wonder that we didn’t get pregnant at that time. I needed a distraction. I needed a purpose other than work and baby making.  I needed a confidence boost and a reason to go to the barrel races other than to just ride my young horse around. Looking for a new horse to be that confidence boost was the perfect distraction. I had tried out a few horses, but nothing clicked…but then one day, one of my best friends tagged me in a post of a horse for sale nearby. I looked at the post and thought, this could be it! I went to meet the horse, and I fell in LOVE! She was adorable, kind, and I could tell that she was dying to do her job as much as I was dying to have that relief from my mental prison of infertility. I went through the process of having my vet check this mare out to make sure she was healthy and sound to ride. The vet found that SNEAKY wasn’t perfect. She had some conformational flaws. She had been sitting without exercise for a while, so she had some obvious signs of muscle atrophy because of that…there were risks of injury in the future, but I was going to do everything possible to get her back in to shape and to give her a chance to do what she loved. So with all of that SNEAKY and I were headed home to get to work. As much as I was looking for a horse, I feel like this horse found me…she found me and saved me all at the same time. She needed a lot of work, and I needed the distraction just as badly. So, we worked for 2 months. Every single day I long trotted her, stretched her, supplemented her, and each day I saw improvement. I was getting her in shape while she was bringing me to LIFE! I found a new optimism and was just so excited to have something else to think about other than Dr’s appointments and my ovulation schedule! I now had something new on my calendar. It wasn’t my stupid “CD1” or my “Ovulation Test date” or an ultrasound appointment….it was my FIRST barrel race in over a decade!

All of our hard work came to our very first race! It was fitting that the very same friend that sent me the Ad for SNEAKY, rode along to our first barrel race with us. We showed up to the race an hour earlier than we needed to, and I found that races had changed a bit over the years. I was RUSTY at every part of this! I did a few practice runs on her to try to get my barrings…but I was realizing that my 12 year hiatus from barrel racing was slapping me across my face. We were SLOW….like so slow that when I watched the video back, I couldn’t help but lean forward in hopes that it would magically make it less painful to watch.  It was so slow that I should have been really embarrassed…but to be honest…I wasn’t embarrassed at all! I was humbled for sure, but also proud of myself for stepping foot back in an arena to compete. I was grateful SNEAKY for giving me the grace that I needed to take that pattern so slowly.  She was also giving me the confidence to work on my young horse and to haul him to the races to get him out to see the world a bit. This whole time of my life was very positive and was helping me to remember that there was more to my life than the failing fertility treatments. 

We were getting ready to move in to our second cycle attempt of IUI (Intrauterine Inception).  After our first cycle was cancelled, I was really feeling like this second attempt would definitely be the TICKET!  The Dr had changed up my meds a bit in hopes to line my cycle out perfectly for an optimal IUI. One thing that I forgot to mention about our first cycle of IUI attempt was that my husband was super sick with the flu the day that we went down for our ultrasound. He and I talked on the way down to the Fertility center that day about how he had had a fever for the last 5 days or so. I made sure to bring it up to the Dr, but since our cycle got cancelled, the Dr and nurses said to not worry about the fever effecting sperm count. The Dr confirmed that since my husband had received a ZPack for his flu, that there was no need to worry about any negative effect at all. BUT of course, as soon as we got home from that cancelled cycle… I BEGAN TO GOOGLE. Everything that I found said that a fever for more than 24 hours or so, can negatively affect a male’s sperm count for up to 75 DAYS!! I made sure to bring this up again when I called in on Cycle day 1 of this second cycle. The nurse again assured me that since my husband had received antibiotics for his flu, that there would be no need to worry about his count. Also, my husband’s numbers had always been above average so there would be no problems there.  I was reassured and I began to take my oral medications. HERE WE GO! Cycle 2 attempt at IUI! WE CAN DO IT! We know a little bit more of what to expect now, so it will be easier…RIGHT???

My symptoms on my new medication were very similar to my first round. I was more nauseous this time and was having hot flashes…which are super fun. The moodiness was all to present in this round. I tried as hard as I could to hold back my bouts of anger that were almost always followed by tears OR laughter…and I never knew what to expect from myself. This cycle was going to be a bit more tricky because my husband had a trip to Utah for a friend’s bachelor party directly in the middle of my cycle. I also had a work trip planned at the end of the month, but I figured that neither one of those trips would cause a problem because I would have to ovulate LATE in order for that to be a problem. Last round, I ovulated EARLY, so I didn’t think we would have any problems at all. Based on my calculations and my trusty cycle calendar, we would go in for my ultrasound and likely use that Trigger shot a couple of days before my husband left for his trip.  Worst case scenario he would have to stay behind and be a day behind the other guys on the trip. 

I got to CD 8 (which was about when I felt my ovulation beginning last time), I didn’t feel like ovulation was coming yet, but I started testing early just in case. It was negative, which I saw as a good sign, considering my uterine lining probably wouldn’t have been ready yet that early in my cycle. 

 I got to CD 10…and the CD 11, I started to feel my symptoms and I got a positive ovulation test. WOW! This was going to be perfect! We were possibly going to be able to get this all dialed in and done before my husband left for his trip AND before I left for my work trip. I was feeling like things were finally going to fall in to place for us and everything was going to go according to plan. Once again, my body reminded me to not make my own plans, because it would absolutely do whatever the hell it wanted to. When was I going to learn to not be so dang optimistic?!

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Baby Steps

PippSqueakChronicles

Once I’ve made my mind up about something, I tend to want it NOW…or like YESTERDAY! After our first appointment at the new Fertility center, and meeting the Dr that was potentially going to help us become parents, I was excited and anxious to get the ball rolling! The first step, and of course the most agonizing yet common step in fertility treatments was…to WAIT. We had to wait until I started my next cycle before we could be prescribed the medications for our first round of IUI. This meant that we had one more cycle to get pregnant on our own. In the meantime, I had countless forms to fill out and an online portal to input all of my 34 years of medical history. This process kept my mind busy for a small amount of time, but I also had plenty of thoughts swirling in my head

Now, this is going to come as no surprise to you, but this month was my month of the biggest, highest hopes that Aunt Flow just wouldn’t show up, and I would get a positive pregnancy test on our LAST month of trying to conceive naturally. I even laughed to myself when I thought about the possibility that I could tell this new Dr that he helped us get pregnant by just talking to us. 

SHOCKER, this did not happen. I started my cycle and called the Fertility center to let them know. This is going to sound weird, but you ladies will be able to relate…I had a lot of anxiety about what “The first day of full flow” actually meant. If you’re a woman, you’ll understand that sometimes isn’t clear cut…sometimes you think it’s full on started, but then you spot for a whole day….The nurses stressed to me that I needed to call on the first full flow day so they could get my prescriptions going. I was to start taking Clomid on my CD 3 (third day of my cycle). So when I called in and mumbled around to tell the nurse that I think I started my period, she sounded kind of confused and possibly a little annoyed. I envisioned her thinking “no wonder this chick can’t get pregnant! She doesn’t even know if she’s started her period or not!” But she clarified what I was saying and she went ahead and called for my Rx’s to be filled and sent me a flow chart of my protocol for the cycle. OUR FIRST IUI cycle was in MOTION!

I was excited/nervous/excited/scared/all the emotions at once. I wasn’t sure what side effects, if any, that I would have from the meds, and we were creeping in to the holidays, which bring their own stressors. I had read that these meds can have side effects such as nausea, headaches, mood swings, hot flashes, bloating, possible weight gain/loss (no way in hell I was lucky enough to have weight loss from this stuff!!) I suddenly realize how unfair this all seems to be. Why do the side effects of fertility drugs have to be things like hair loss, weight gain, nausea, bloating, and becoming a fire breathing dragon or a weeping weirdo within 38 seconds of each other? Why can’t the side effects be glowing skin, six pack abs, and an increased IQ?? I mean, I AM trying to make a baby, not detour any and all humans from wanting to be around me. 

The first day that I had to take my medication, I was going to be on a work trip out of town. I had some fears as to how I was going to feel, so I strategically planned the timing of my first pill……I am supposed to take this pill every day at the EXACT same time. I remember popping my first pill right before I took a 4 hour journey home. It was go time! I was ready for this to all begin, but those looming feelings of the side effects were right there in the back of my mind. 

I tried to shove all of those thoughts to the back of my mind, and I decided that I would not end up being one of those stereotypical, hormonal women. I would suck it up, tough it out, and I would ROCK this whole process without skipping a beat in life! Well, you know they say that when you make plans, sometimes God laughs?? Well, the good Lord laughed when I made my vow to be the strongest woman on the planet and have zero side effects at all from these meds. Within a few days of beginning my meds I ….how do you say….lost my shit. (Excuse my French, but if you had been there, you’d understand). I found myself being completely enraged by the dumbest things…EXAMPLE: I cried because my seatbelt locked up when I was trying to reach down on my floorboard for a pen. As soon as the first tear fell, I began laughing like a psycho clown just at the thought of how dumb I was being.

I felt out of control. For a complete control freak, this is worst case scenario. This is Defcon 1. This is NOT a drill. This is going to be harder than I thought. So, I handled this the way any well-adjusted adult would. I shoved it all down, and attempted to hide my feelings the best that I could. This was like trying to hide the Grand Canyon!  My family and closest friends all understood what was going on with me, and everyone treated me as well as they could all handle. The further in to the cycle we got, the more I began to stress about the ovulation test. I was supposed to start testing for ovulation on CD 11. Around CD 8 I started to feel some of my tell tail signs of ovulation. I usually get a deep sharp cramp on my right side and it lasts for about 12 hrs…there’s other symptoms, but I’ll keep those to myelf…lets just say I can tell OK?  The morning of CD 9, I decided to go ahead and just take an ovulation test. Sure as shineola, that thing was POSITIVE! Mind you, this was the morning of a random Wednesday. My husband and I both had work appointments that day, so I called the fertility center to see what we were supposed to do. 

When I called in and explained to a nurse that I “think” I got a positive ovulation test, I was met with the same tone of voice as when I wasn’t sure about my period starting. I explained that it was super early in my cycle and that I wasn’t even supposed to test for two more days, but that I could just tell it was happening. She said, “Ok, can you come in to the office now?” I explained that we are an hr and 15 mins away, but that I would be there as soon as I could. This is how fertility treatments go…you sit around and wait and then it’s GO! Your body doesn’t care that you have a meeting at 11am and another at 1pm! You’re ovulating and you’ve gotta go NOW!

I got off the phone and explained to my husband that we needed to go down their now, and that it could be GAME TIME!!!!! This was IT! Holy Crap! I called my customers that I had appointments with that morning and explained that I had something come up and we’d have to reschedule. My husband did the same, and we got ready as fast as we could. I loaded up my “Trigger shot” in my little lunch box, like the precious cargo that it was, and we headed out. If everything was all looking good, I would be given the Trigger shot, which would cause me to ovulate within 36 hrs. We would then schedule to go back in the next morning for our IUI. 

Driving down to the fertility center, I could feel the fullness in my belly. My ovaries were definitely noticeably bigger/fuller. It was pretty uncomfortable, but not unbearable especially because I knew that this was a good sign. I told my husband that I was nervous, but of course he was as cool as a cucumber. When we reached the fertility center, we checked in and paid….our insurance doesn’t cover any of our treatments, so every visit is a big chunk of change and a bit nauseating. I remember the moment that we got called back by the nurse. I took a deep breath and said a little prayer to myself. We went in to the room and I was told to “Undress from the waist down, and put the paper over my lap”. The doctor came in, and we discussed that things had progressed more quickly than what he had thought. He made sure to ask if I had actually seen a positive ovulation test. I said yes, and that I definitely felt like I was going to ovulate as well. I even mentioned to him that I can tell which side I’d be ovulating from. We went over what exactly we would be looking for: uterine lining (endometrial thickness) of at least 8 mm, and at least one mature follicle of 20 mm or more.

He began the ultrasound and went directly to check the Uterine lining…which only measured about 4 mm (half of what we needed to see). He moved on to the follicles. I had two matured follicles on my RIGHT side around 20 mm and one on my left of the same size. This was great news because it meant that the meds worked! He finished up the ultrasound and we went over what all of this meant. He explained that because my uterine lining was so thin, if an egg actually fertilized in the IUI, it would have nothing to implant in to. It would likely try, but just sluff off and end up being flushed out at the end of my cycle. I felt a huge lump in my throat. What did this mean? Did this mean that this whole cycle of trying to keep my hormonal mess of a self at bae was a waste? He tried to reassure us that this was good. We had gotten more information about how my body will react to meds, and that we can just switch things up to help improve that lining for next time. I looked down at my little lunch box containing my Trigger shot. I’m frustrated. I feel defeated…also should I mention that this was a couple of days before Christmas? We had had high hopes of this being our little Christmas miracle, but instead it was like a scientific experiment gone wrong. We were sent home to celebrate the holidays with our little ol Trigger shot in tow. 

How did I not realize that this would require so much trial and error? Well, that was never discussed before we started. I never thought that this could potentially be months of playing with meds before we could actually get to an IUI. The Dr and Nurses did tell us to go ahead and try naturally this month. Who knows? Maybe it would happen naturally for us, and we wouldn’t have to go through this again. We didn’t have super high hopes, but we treated the rest of this cycle as if it was possible. I went home and I celebrated Christmas that week in stretchy pants. My belly was so big and bloated and painful on Christmas Eve, that I actually took Tylenol…which I NEVER do. I also made sure not to consume alcohol or do anything crazy as far as workouts or riding my horses for the remainder of the cycle.  We were now 23 months in to our “Trying to Conceive” journey, and all we had to show was some blood test results and a Trigger shot in the fridge. 

It was a slap in the face on top of the money spent, the mood swings, the crushed hope of a Christmas baby, and the thoughts of doing it all over again next month. But this wasn’t going to stop us. We were going to pick ourselves back up, look at this as a learning experience and move on to the next step. This was our first BABY STEP of many in this journey. Happy New Year here we come???

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I Am a Failure

PippSqueakChronicles

The feeling of failure can be absolutely devastating for a person who is a self described perfectionist. I have found that many of my frustrations in business, fitness, relationships, and even the cleanliness of my home, stem from the fact that none of these will ever be PERFECT. My biggest feeling of FAILURE to date is my failure of being Fertile. This may sound ridiculous because it’s nothing that I can control. But when you really think about all of the other areas of my life that I strive for perfection, I have very little control over some of the biggest variables of those. In business, I can work as hard as I possibly can, but I can’t change my gender, my age or the biggest variable, other people’s personalities and work ethic. In fitness, I can control my workouts and nutrition. However, I cannot control my genetics and how those genetics cause my body to respond to my exercise output or nutrition input. I guess what I’m trying to say is that where all of the areas of my life that I struggle with every day failures, Infertility has trumped them all. 

We have tried naturally for over 20 months. I have had over a dozen vials of blood drawn for hormone, genetic, and overall health tests. I’ve had an HSG test, multiple vaginal ultra sounds, and countless dollars spent on trying to figure out how to explain our infertility. We are now to a point in this journey where I feel like we are waving the white flag. I am admitting defeat, and succumbing to FAILURE. I am not sure where my feeling of getting HELP being equal to FAILURE has come from when it relates to Infertility, but it weighs heavy on my heart. When it comes to any of the other areas of my life that I mentioned, if I feel like I’m not improving, I seek out guidance from an expert! I never hesitate to ask someone how to improve my business or reach out for assistance on workouts and nutrition. Why is this different? Why does it feel like if I make that call and set an appointment with the Fertility Specialists that I’m falling off of the cliff and would never be able to go back to just trying naturally? Why does it feel like I’m giving up and admitting that I’m a FAILURE at becoming a Mom? No one put that stigma on me, but ME!! 

I cry every month when I start my period and I know that I have FAILED again. I feel a sad achy feeling when I think of baby names or see new parents complain of how dang tired they are. I want so badly to feel those feelings and to have the chance to complain about all of the craziness that pregnancy puts women through. It’s time to take that next step. It’s time to get over my FAILURE and move on to getting the help that we need. 

We discussed what the next steps would probably be if we decided to step foot back in to the Fertility Specialists office. Based on copious amounts of Google searching, we knew that there would be 3 options for us; Medication and timed intercourse (Sorry Mom :/), Intra Uterine Inception (IUI), or IVF. We were mentally prepared for everything but IVF at this point. The IUI sounded like a great option, but we needed more information. 

One of the biggest decisions that we had to make was, Do we go back to see Mr Bow Tie, the Doctor that had scolded us for being late at our consultation months back….or Do we start all over with a brand new office and the unknown? We ultimately decided to start fresh with the new Fertility Center. I felt a pang of nervousness as I made the call. The voice that answered the phone was calm, kind, and helpful. And with a few items being sent to my email and a client portal being created, we had our first appointment scheduled with our new Doctor. I am now thinking of this as an adventure on a new path, instead of admitting defeat. 

In the days that lead up to the appointment, I am still doing a lot of research. I had been told by my OB that medications like Clomid, would not work for me because they stimulated the ovaries to create more mature follicles. I have always had a very regular cycle and could even feel when I was ovulating….so this lead both my OB and I to believe that the medications could potentially over stimulate me. I also have reservations because we still do not have any cause for our infertility. How can this Fertility center possibly help solve a problem when we don’t know what the problem is??? 

The day of the appointment has finally arrived. My husband and I drive to the new fertility center, and we get to the appointment with MUCH time to spare. As we sit in the waiting room, I can’t help but realize that there is a huge difference in ambiance in this office in comparison to the first fertility center that we went to. This office was much more calm and inviting. I dare even say the motif was a little outdated, but that was actually pleasant compared to the sterile, all white office with neon lighting accents that we were met with at the first fertility center. 

We are called back and my vitals were taken along with my weight…which was taken on a manual, mechanical scale…I wasn’t sure that Dr’s offices ever still used those! But hey, it does the job and it’s very practical. So, I can wrap my mind around that. 

Now it was time to meet our Dr. We stepped in to his office, and he was very kind and welcoming to us. We quickly covered the steps that we had taken so far in our journey to figure out what was “wrong” with us up to this point. He whipped out a flip chart to explain the 3 different options…obviously none of this was new info because of my hours on the google machine! Once he covered all of the bases, he looked at us and asked. “Would you like to start with IUI for a few cycles to see how that works, or would you like to dive right in to IVF?”.  My husband is much more decisive than I am, and quickly said that he would prefer to dive right in to the IVF. After all, we didn’t know whether IUI would solve our problem or not because we don’t know what that problem is exactly. 

The process of IUI, on paper, is quite simple. I would call the Dr Office on Cycle Day 1 (the first day of my period), and they would send me a Flow Chart with instructions on what meds to take when, and also what days to start testing for ovulation. The day that I got a positive ovulation test, I would call the Dr office and they would have me come in for an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining, check my ovaries, count and measure the maturing follicles. If everything looked to be in order, then I would be given the “Trigger” shot which would trigger my body to release the mature follicle, and then approximately 36 hrs later we would go in for the IUI procedure. This consists of my husband providing a semen sample, they clean the sample and extract the sperm. There is a count done and the cleaned sperm is put in to a tube like apparatus that would be inserted in to me. This is a quick and dirty description but it’s essentially the same as AI’ing  livestock…and being a livestock minded person, it just makes sense to me. 

I want to try the IUI for a couple of cycles first before we look to IVF. IUI is much less invasive than IVF and less than half of the cost. After a bit more discussion about the IUI and hearing from the Dr that I would see benefits from utilizing the medications like Clomid, we decided to move forward with a cycle of IUI to see how it went.

The Dr then performed a baseline ultrasound to check my ovaries, follicles, and uterine lining. I hadn’t been made aware yet at this point how important the thickness of the uterine lining exactly was! Mine looked normal, but my base count of follicles was low for my age. The Dr wasn’t overly concerned by that, but it was dually noted.

There were several more blood tests to be done, including genetic screening to make sure that I wasn’t a carrier of any of the most common and devastating diseases. My husband and I also had to go for a blood draw for several different things such as hormone levels…and oh also, to make sure that we aren’t related…AKWARD! But hey, they have to cover all of the bases. Once we received all of the blood work back, we would be able to get a flow chart set up that would help line out what an IUI cycle would look like. This is the point in the process where I am cautiously optimistic, but I have the mindset that this WILL work for us! 

We just need this little extra boost of help and we will FINALLY be pregnant. We were jumping in and I was no longer looking at this as failure. I look at it as a bump in the road, a page in the chapter of the book that is our life, something to make us stronger….whatever you want to call it. This was happening for a reason, and we are NOT going to give up! The excitement for the new journey really lifted my spirits and helped me to feel like we were on the right path. At this point I am in the “ignorance is bliss” phase. We just need one cycle of IUI and we will finally succeed. Boy was I about to get a life lesson in how fertility treatments can actually go! 

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Where oh Where do I begin?

PippSqueakChronicles

Well Ello there! It has been several months since I have posted a Blog. Does this mean that I have quit writing about my journey? It does not! I have been writing posts, and selfishly been keeping them in my files. My last few posts were not in real time…in fact, noneof my posts were in real time. But my last post was getting very close to that. And I’m going to be honest, I have gone through some very difficult times since that last post. I found that I needed to space out what I was sharing from what I was experiencing. This is a tricky time of my life, and I’ve obviously never been through this before so I don’t know what I need or what will make me feel the best. I do know that writing my experiences down and formatting them like a story is incredibly therapeutic to me, so I absolutely plan to continue doing that.

I will share my story as I can, and I appreciate all of you who have reached out to encourage me to continue to write. As I have said from the beginning of my posts, if this Blog helps even just one person in their struggle then I think it is absolutely worth sharing. I do also plan to post more frequently on my Pipp_squeak_chronicles Instagram feed. I have had several of you ask why I haven’t posted there, and the answer is the same. I don’t feel comfortable at this point, sharing things in real time. However, I will do some more updates there, and I do have some photos and stories from the journey up to this point that I will share along the way.

Thank you all again, who have reached out and who have cheered me on to continue writing. I appreciate the outlet to share and that you all have taken the time to come along this journey with me.

 

Us

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Suffer In Silence

PippSqueakChronicles

Month after month after month of having the feeling of defeat can really cause a person to focus on the negative. On this particularly tough month, I decided to look for some positivity. I was strolling around on Pinterest looking at beautiful homes, envy worthy hair styles and wardrobes, and of course a plethora of booty building routines, when I decided to see what the most popular posts for Infertility quotes were. I’m not sure why I was surprised but as I scrolled down the feed, every single quote was about SUFFERING in SILENCE, and was oozing with negativity. One literally said:

“Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through the silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about”

Another said:

“Sometimes all you can do is smile. Move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend you’re ok”

My personal favorite was a quote that was placed over the background of a beautiful flower…as if that would lessen the blow of what it was about to say:

“I’m afraid one day my husband won’t be ok with my infertility anymore and then he’ll leave me. I’ll then watch him have a family with someone else. The only thing I’ve ever wanted”.

WHAAAAAT?!!!! Is this really what we are going to focus on? First of all, let me address the very last quote, as it is the most jaw dropping. I can completely understand that this may be a fear among women with infertility issues. I am not going to put anyone down for their fears or having those moments where the mind wonders to the very worst case scenarios…because let’s be real, this has happened to us all at one point in our life. However, I don’t know that this is what I would expect to see as a quote to represent infertility. It makes me think of the most desperate, panicked moment that flashes through your mind for a second and then you do like in the cartoons and take off your white gloves and slap yourself across the face with them to snap out of it! Now to the first two quotes….The message of hiding your pain or suffering in silence was a very common theme throughout the thread of pictures and quotes. This idea is being touted as a sign of strength? I think that any woman that is going through this journey is STRONG. We all have to have the strength in us to hold out hope and to move forward with doctors visits, injections, hormone swings, loss, and the unknown. The last thing that we should have to be is SILENT.

I’ve said it before and I will say it over and over again, I by no means think that every woman that is going through an infertility journey HAS to share. With that being said, I don’t think that suffering in silence should be encouraged and praised. So many women have reached out to me who faced infertility issues DECADES ago. They now have children and have had wonderful lives, but they still hold on to the pain and loneliness that they felt while they were going through the times of not knowing if they would every carry a child. This tells me that there is a possibility that if they had reached out to someone or had an outlet for their feelings while they were going through it, that they may have had an easier time of coping with what they were experiencing.

Before I began writing about my experiences, I had NO IDEA how many women that I know personally that have gone through such similar struggles. Those quotes that I read this morning really made me think: Would I want my best friend to suffer in silence? NO! Would I want my sister to suffer in silence? NO! Would I want my future daughter (hopefully I’ll get to have one 😉 ) to suffer in silence? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am hoping to change the message of infertility from “We are strong because we suffer in silence” to something more like “We are strong.”  Period, end of story! We are STRONG. Our infertility and the journey that we are on does not define us. We are STRONG because we choose everyday to pick ourselves up, we allow others to help hold us up, and we carry on!!