Anyone that has struggled with infertility even in the slightest, knows exactly what I mean when I mention the TWO WEEK WAIT. On blogs and online forums, the abbreviation is TWW. It is the gut wrenching amount of time between ovulation and when either a period would start or you’d get a positive pregnancy test. So, for many women, it is the two weeks of symptom spotting and driving yourself absolutely nuts Googling every little thing that you feel. Over the last 2 years I had suffered through several negative pregnancy tests and mornings of waking up to find that Mother Nature had given me the ultimate sign that this month was yet another failure. My hope had been that this month would be different. Our IUI was not an ideal scenario, but in all reality it had probably been our most likely shot of getting pregnant up to this point. The timing was perfect, the cleaned sperm had less of a journey to it’s destination, and my uterine lining was thick and ready for implantation. With all of that being said, this TWW was going to be different than all the rest. I was keeping a positive attitude that we could defy the odds and get pregnant despite Josh’s fever causing issues with his sperm.
I had plenty to keep me busy during this two week wait, as I had a work trip and a bachelorette party both crammed in to that amount of time. Going on a bachelorette party when you’re hoping that you’re pregnant is an interesting thing. Keep in mind that I had spent the last two years torturing myself in every two week wait. For those two weeks every month, I would lighten up on my workouts, I would stop/cut back on riding my horses, and of course I would back off or completely cut off alcohol. This doesn’t sound like a big deal but when you really add it up, I essentially spent 1 year worth of time putting everything on hold with the CHANCE that I would see a little pink line. Half of every single month for 2 years was spent basically acting like I was pregnant. Did this add to my stress and probably not help my situation?? I don’t know. But when you are in it, and it seems like the right thing to do, that’s what you do! As the Bachelorette party came nearer, I started to worry that I may not have as good of a time being the “sober Sally” at an event that was obviously going to center around drinking. I told myself that it would be ok to have two drinks a day…at the most (per my Dr), and that I would just play it by ear. Looking back, the most important thing that I did to prepare for an enjoyable trip was that I shared what I was going through with my friends that were also going to be on the trip ahead of time. This really helped me to avoid any awkward moments of people wondering why I’m not drinking or playing along with some of the games of the trip.
The time came for the Bachelorette weekend! I got up that morning and actually felt pretty good compared to some other mornings this week. I was hoping that the hormone meds were wearing off and that I was going to feel good on this trip. I even decided to get a quick workout in before I left. I hopped on my spin bike and I felt great!…for about 9 minutes. Then a hot flash hit me, followed by nausea…and I was off to the toilet to throw up. I brushed it off and decided to not let that ruin my day! This was going to be a good day…I was dead set on it.
I was going to pick up the Bride to be, and another friend and we were all going to meet at the Bride’s sister’s house to pack up and head for the airport. We were all so excited for a fun weekend, but also to prank the bride when she arrived to her sister’s house. Our friend group plays a game that is so fun and hilarious…but of course involves drinking. Essentially, you hide a Smirnoff Ice and when someone stumbles across it they have to get down on one knee and chug the whole thing..as a sort of “punishment”. It can actually be quite hilarious depending on how creative people get when hiding the “ICE”. We had all planned on “Icing” the Bride to Be…which quickly turned in to there being several “ICES” hidden that morning. Now typically, I would totally be a gamer and chug my ice to comply with the rules of the game. HOWEVER, with my two drink per day maximum rule that I had set for myself, I told my friends that I was going to have to be lame and sit that game out for now. Thank GOD because that saved me from having to chug 3 ices by like 9 am.
We were on our way to the airport, and I was relieved at how much fun I was already having even though I wasn’t playing along with the games. Once we arrived at the airport, we did what an other self respecting bachelorette group would do and we quickly found a spot to grab mimosas! At this point it wasn’t even 11 am and I knew that I was going to have a long day of being the sober one. We all sat around the table and everyone ordered their drinks. Mimosa, Mimosa, Mimosa, coffee, coffee, just water please, coffee, and some more waters…..Hmm, well I apparently wasn’t the only one that wasn’t drinking. I think I will do just fine. My biggest fear had been, sticking out like a sore thumb or coming off like a wet blanket. But in reality everyone was having a good time whether they were drinking or not. This theme followed through the whole weekend. I had a good time with friends even though I had a huge thought on my mind. Had the IUI worked? Should I avoid going in the hot tub? What was that twinge in my stomach? If I got pregnant now, what would my due date be? If I’m not pregnant, what are we going to do next?
Yes, I had all of those thoughts were swirling through my head as I was on a girls trip, shopping, brunching, dancing at a club, or laying by the pool. The bars and clubs were an interesting part of this because people are constantly wanting to buy drinks for bachelorette parties. An old trick that I use is to get a club soda with lime so it looks like a cocktail, OR I get one beer and make sure to hold on to the bottle all night so it looks like I already have a drink in hand in case someone offers. It kind of became a funny inside joke between me and some of the girls. One bartender gave me a hard time for continuously ordering water, and one of the girls shouted over the music “SHE’s TRYING TO GET PREGNANT!”…He got a funny look on his face and said, “WHAT?! SHE’S PREGNANT?!” She said, “NO! SHE’S TYRING TO!” He laughed and said “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT HELPS IF YOU GET WASTED FIRST?!”…..I said, “WELL THAT WOULD BE SUPER AWKWARD BECAUSE MY HUSBAND ISN’T HERE!”…He laughed and said, “TOUCHE”…and he poured me all the club soda I wanted for the rest of the night.
The trip was really fun, but I was excited to get home to finish up my TWO WEEK WAIT. I was staying optimistic that despite the bumps in the road up to this point, that this could be an epic story to tell our child some day! That’s the strange part about this journey. We are able to find the most strange silver lining in any situation in an attempt to just keep our sanity. We hadn’t asked to be on this path, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but damn it has taught me mental strength. As the time drew nearer to the day that we would find out, I had friends and family reach out to check in to see how I was feeling, and for the most part I felt great…just waiting.
That morning I woke up to those familiar cramps and I went in to the bathroom to find my answer….it didn’t work. Again. We failed again. I sat on the bathroom floor, and I cried. I cried because I was mad at this process. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself for worrying to much. I was mad at our Dr for not listening. I was mad, and sad, and heartbroken, and lost. My sobs were interrupted by the sound of a text message alert from my phone in the other room. I suddenly realized that I was going to have to cry this out and then get up off of this floor and move forward. I was going to have to reach out to all of my beautifully supportive friends and family that had been checking on me, to let them know that I failed…but I’m ok, and it will all be ok, and we aren’t going to give up (said in my customer service voice)…because in reality all I wanted to do was give up. All I wanted was to NEVER step foot in a fertility center again, never have another hot flash, or waive of nausea from the meds, or watch my hair go down the drain in handfuls during every shower that I took…and most of all, I NEVER wanted to feel this enraged ever again.
I went through the motions, and I let everyone know what was going on and I answered everyone’s questions and concerns. Looking back, I think that I might have been a little better off to not tell so many people the exact timing so that I could avoid getting an excited text of asking how it was going in the middle of my breakdown on the bathroom floor. But once I gathered myself and Josh and I talked about it, we decided that we weren’t going to let this stop us. We were going to sit down and decide what would be our next step. No matter what the next step is, there’s no way to avoid that TWO WEEK WAIT, unless we just completely gave up…and that wasn’t one of the options in our mind.
PippSqueak Chronicles 