Who do I think I am? Do people really care about my story? So many have had it worse than me. There are thousands that have felt what I have, but were strong enough to handle it on their own. What will my family think? Will people talk about me…will they laugh? Is this going to make people uncomfortable? Maybe I should just suck it up and suffer in silence like so many others seem to do.
If you don’t think that I had every single one of these thoughts before hitting “POST” on my first Blog, then you’re completely wrong. For every person that has called me BRAVE for sharing my story, there are probably 2 people that have scoffed and thought that I am just seeking attention. With every post, I’m sure that there have been people that have been through so much worse that they see my worries or problems as trivial and unimportant. I am not writing my story for those people. I am writing my story for ME. And I am writing my story for those who feel alone and afraid to share what they are going through because of all of the same fears that I have had. I am writing my story to help even just ONE PERSON who needs to know that they are not alone. Whether it is a fertility journey, starting a new career, deciding to take control of your health, letting go of a toxic relationship, or the battle of the demons in your head….it’s OK to SHARE! It can be so freeing to open up about what you are going through. Do I mean that we all need to start a Blog to express how we are feeling about pivotal moments in our life? No, not necessarily. We all know how we express ourselves best. Some are better off calling their best friend, or playing music, or even just going for a walk and talking to themselves. Writing is just what I have found is my way of healing.
When I was a little kid, probably about 7ish years old, I lost my first horse. His name was Hawk. He was really my moms horse, but I loved him so much! He was older, and had some medical issues. I remember when he died, it really hit me that mortality is a REAL thing. I remember him being buried in our pasture. Then, every time we drove by the pasture and I saw that fresh mound of earth I knew that my friend Hawk was beneath it. I was sad and confused as to why I couldn’t get past it. So, I began to write stories about Hawk. I continued to write stories about him and draw pictures of him well in to middle school. I remember my mom commenting to me at one point that she was surprised that it had taken me so long to get over him. But in my reality, this was HOW I got over him. Writing stories about this creature that had such an impact on me so young in life, was how I memorialized him. As long as I was writing those stories, he was still alive in my heart!
Keeping journals over the years was my way of keeping my wild thoughts and fears at bay. If I took the time to begin writing about any major event in my life, I would find that the words flooded out without hesitation. I have taken several years off of doing this journaling or writing until I started this Blog. So, it comes as no surprise that once I opened my computer and began to type about my fertility journey, it was almost as if I couldn’t stop it. Since the first post that I shared, I have felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. I don’t see myself as being “Brave” for sharing our journey or struggles with trying to become parents. It really all began as a selfish act of trying to self medicate with words. This fire lit inside me was sparked by my need to start healing myself. That fire has been fueled by the hundreds of stories that you all have shared with me about your own struggles.
I am glad that I did not listen to the negative voices within me that told me that no one would care. I am glad that I didn’t listen to the worry that this topic would make people feel uncomfortable, or that people would judge me. This isn’t 1951 where women have to keep fertility struggles or failed pregnancies a secret while they cry to themselves into their aprons. We are strong women that just need to have an outlet for our fears, our pain, and our frustrations. I hope that this Blog can be a place for all of you who may be able to relate to my words…whether you are a husband who doesn’t know how to support your wife through this, or if you are a woman who has been trying to conceive for 2 years and are losing hope, you aren’t alone.
I heard a quote on a podcast today, and it resonated with me so much! Turn your MESS into your MESSAGE. Let’s just say that with that theory, I have plenty of MESSAGE left to share….Don’t be afraid to be a mess, and certainly don’t be afraid to SHARE that mess in whatever way helps you to heal.
PippSqueak Chronicles 