The Problem

I thrive on identifying a problem or a need, and then helping to solve it. When we were faced with that word…INFERTITLITY, I went straight in to problem solving mode. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to solve your own problem! We went down the TO Do list from our Dr. We got my hormones checked, my husband’s health checked, and then there was that dreaded HSG test. Once you get all of the tests done, you are faced with the wait. Waiting caused anxiety, and the swirling thoughts of “what if it’s me” or “what if it’s him”….”What if it’s BOTH of us?!”. I had to push those thoughts out of my head and remember that we were moving in the right direction of getting some answers.

In this day and age of technology giving us access to our health care providers at our fingertips provides a double edge sword consequence. I was laying in bed relaxing on a Saturday morning when I casually strolled through my emails. My Blood Test Results WERE IN! I clicked to open that email faster than a shopaholic clicks on a Nordstrom sale link! I franticly started reading through the list that might as well have been in a foreign language….Luteinizing Hormone, Prolactin, FSH, Glyco..something or other. I had to Google search each item on the list of results to find out what exactly that particular hormone meant. Once my mind calmed a bit, and I read through the list several times, I realized that this all showed that I was NORMAL. I am perfectly HEALTHY!  As far as this test result is concerned, I am not the PROBLEM. Phew! Well, check that off of the list.

My HSG test was a little bit different. Directly after suffering through the pain of the test, then passing out, and the seizure, my doctor was able to show me a quick view of the radiograph on the screen. She explained that the picture showed no major abnormalities. This made the wait for the full results a lot less anxiety ridden. It took two short days and I received another email that provided my full results….again, I’m NORMAL! This made me feel a sense of relief, but also made my mind wonder on to what my husband’s semen analysis would show.

It had been two weeks since my husband’s test, and we had heard no word back yet. One thing that I’m learning about infertility specialists and doctor’s offices is that they will be very prompt in getting you in to a visit where you are paying fully out of pocket…but when it comes to contacting you to go over results, it’s a different story. With that newfound knowledge, I decided to reach out to the infertility specialist that had done my husbands test. The nurse that answered sounded irritated that the Dr hadn’t’ called us yet to go over the results. CRAP! Did this mean there was a problem?! It was at this moment that I realized that I would have been able to deal with the PROBLEM being me a lot better than it being my husband. I don’t know why, other than I had guessed all along that it would probably be me. The nurse came back on the phone and began reading off all of the details of the test results. Everything was NORMAL! I had a huge sense of relief at first…. But NOW WHAT?!

We have hit a dead end on our To Do list, and we no longer have a PLAN! But I NEED A PLAN! I need a next step, a path, a direction, something! With this new information that there was no real PROBLEM, we were faced with the decision to either move forward with medical intervention or to continue trying naturally and pray that it’s just been a timing issue. We ultimately landed on the latter of the two being the best option for us. We aren’t completely against IUI (Intrauterine Inception) or even IFV, but we just felt like we needed to give ourselves the opportunity to have this happen naturally. So, what’s the new plan? The new plan is as follows:

• Continue using the fertility app to track my cycles and symptoms
• Continue to take ovulation tests each month
• Work on our general health and well being
• Get back to doing the things that we love (hunting for him, and riding horses for me)
• Meditate
• Take care of US!!

Once we found out that our PROBLEM was that there was no PROBLEM per say, we were able to take a deep breath and realize that we need to live our lives while being on this trying to conceive journey. I needed to stop giving myself the excuse of “I may be pregnant”, to avoid being motivated to have intense gym workouts or to go ride my horses. In fact, my husband encouraged me to buy a second horse and to get back in to competing….something that I’ve always loved and just hadn’t made a priority for years!  This new plan had given us a breath of fresh air, and I don’t think I have ever been happier or felt more calm about my direction in life. I want nothing more than to be a mother, and to see my husband be a father. But the most important thing right now is that I focus on being the best wife and friend to my husband as I can. We are in this together. At the end of the journey whether we end up parents, or not….we will still have each other. Whether we have a child or not, we are still a FAMILY.  I thank God every day for that…